THE EASTERN WORLD, IT IS EXPLODIN'... ...AND I'M JUST WHISTLIN' DIXIE! Say hello to ampulex compressa, an exoparasitoid species of Wasp that captures cockroaches, injects mind-control venom into their brains, then rides them around like bumper-cars before steering them into their underground lairs where they feed them to their young, who in turn use the emptied husks as cocoons which they throw away like an old pizza box when they're done with them. Any similarity to the current global First World/Third World socio-political paradigm is purely unintentional. The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince has his hang-ups and idiosyncrasies, it's true. But he also happens to be one helluva smokin' guitar player. Check this shit out if you have any doubt. Christ All-Fucking-Mighty! How much did they have to pay the stunt cyclist for THIS shoot, I wonder?! Jesus Fucking Nailholes! This monkey is out of his friggin' mind!!! Need a mental reboot? Stare at THIS for an hour and a half why doncha?! If you've got two cellular phones, a large free-range egg and three minutes to kill, you need never go hungry again. If yer old pal Jerky were the kind of guy to give a name to his penis, and if he were more interested in anal sex than he is, he'd probably name his penis The Shitter-Splitter. But he isn't, and he doesn't. So he won't. *** *** *** OMG I'M SO SORRY!!! Amid all the glitz and hoopla of yesterday's ceremonies, yer old pal Jerky totally misplaced some fine Bombay TV remixes by our old pal Mark! I am hereby attempting to rectify this glaring omission by declaring Mark the winner of the Daily Dirt Artist of the Millennium Award for his lifelong body of work, which includes the unforgettable romance of The Literally Untouchables, the thrilling political intrigue of All the President's… Shoes, the coming-of-age, slice-of-life saga Sweet Deliverance, the sensually stirring Forever Afterglow and his satirical magnum opus, The Stench of a Woman. From this day forward, any Bombay TV remixes sent my way are going to have to be pretty fucking funny to get run in the Dirt. So get to work! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 6 This day in 2003 is the day that Colin Powell gave his "brilliant performance" before the United Nations Security Council. After that, there truly could be no doubt. I don't know about you folks, but seeing those fuzzy satellite images with circles drawn on them -- not to mention those artists' renderings of the mobile labs allegedly used by Saddam to move his WMD from palm grove to palm grove -- filled yer old pal Jerky with a kind of shuddering terror that could only be assuaged by a massive "Shock and Awe" style cruise missile attack on Baghdad, followed by a full-scale military invasion and a protracted, dragged-out, doomed-from-the-get-go occupation of a country surrounded by a billion psychotic fundamentalist lunatics. How else to fix this problem than by getting Dubya's Crusaders to turn the cradle of civilization into a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Great Satan, smack-dab in the middle of the Muslim world? Only now that all of this has been accomplished does yer old pal Jerky truly feel safe. On this day in 1904, the war between Russian and Japan begins. I think they call it the "SinoRussino Conflict" or some such shit. Because of a few tiny, desolate Pacific islands that neither side will agree to concede, the war rages on! Personally, yer old pal Jerky's pullin' for the Rooskies, cuz they look more like me. The board game Monopoly first hits the shelves on this day in 1935, smack dab in the middle of the Great Depression. Countless screaming family fist-fights ensue. On this day in 1979, the Supreme Court of Pakistan affirms the death sentence against Former Prime Minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, for allegedly rigging an election and killing a guy. In other words... he was FAR too liberal! On this day in 1997, in an English courtroom, Diane Blood wins the right to use her dead husband's sperm. Later, some in the jury come to regret their decision, when it's discovered that Blood has used it to seal the cracks in her shower stall.

THEY SAID IT! "President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale." - So Alberto Gonzales thinks George Washington tapped Americans' phones without a warrant, does he? Well, at least we now have confirmation that it was indeed possible for Preznit Dubya to pick a worse Attorney General than than Jesus H. Ashcroft. *** **** *** "The illusion of freedom will continue as long as it's profitable to continue the illusion. At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will just take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater." - Frank Zappa (1940-1993), who had the eyes to see it.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by DMZ! HUSBAND: "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" WIFE: "That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Danny for sending in today's second joke. Six friends got together every Friday night to play poker, nothing too rich, but not penny ante either. One night, Solly perked up like he had a pair of Kings wired, and then plopped down into his chips, dead -- heart attack! "Oy vey, poor Solly!" "Yeah, what are we going to tell his wife? She'll kill us!" "Let me handle her -- I know how to handle these sensitive matters, don't worry." (knock knock) "Yes, what is it?" "Dotty, you should know -- Solly dropped over $200 at a poker game last night, and he's afraid to come home and admit it. Is there a message I can give him?" "Message?!? Yeah, tell him he should DROP DEAD!" "Ok," shrugging, "I'll tell him." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Mick... Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing! "You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the Steeler game from here?"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE TO BE HAPPY WITH care of: Vicky D. Dear Jerky, All of us dedicate our lives to something. That's not always good. Some dedicate their lives to their spouse and kids. Some dedicate their lives to eating healthy, exercising, saving the planet, yadda yadda. Others dedicate it to what they "could have done", i.e. fantasizing about it, thinking what's the best way to do it, and overall just procrastinating about it without ever doing anything about it. How many people you know are always in a state of mourning over yet another girlfriend/boyfriend they just lost, or haven't had in a matter of months or even years? Some of us dedicate it to informing others. Journalism, (gasp) blogging, sending out newsletters by email or snail mail, or just giving advice to your friends and family. This is where you and I come in, Jerky. I have no blog. All I do is read others' blogs and newsletters (you're my home page). I was just asked if I wanted to also write articles for my favorite trash-gossip blog. I was so flattered! They actually thought I was hilarious! But then, I thought... What's the point? Do I really want to spend 2-3 hours a day writing columns and digging up trash for someone else? Don't I have enough shit put away to the side already? Shouldn't I be putting this time aside for something I've been procrastinating about for so long, like those fucking 15-something pounds I want to lose, or those networking certifications I should be reading about? Nah, don't feel like it. Or maybe I should be out rallying, doing something more concrete to help America's current state? Oh wait, I'm in Greece. Not much I can do from here. The truth is, I'd like to write for the blog. It'd make me feel good. I don't know if I'll ever have a fan base; hell, the moderators might think I suck ass at it and not even post any of my articles from the beginning. But just knowing that some hundreds, nay, thousands of readers might ponder over my funny crap makes me feel great. What I'm trying to say here, Jerky, is that you really just have to do what you feel is important, or makes you feel better. I look forward to your updates every single day. I mean, how many other bloggers with porn ads on the side would fucking mention Sissyphus, huh? Ask 1,000 people what "hoi polloi" means; how many will answer, 4? 5? You're very well educated, and I love that. I'd just like to tell you that, I believe there's a point to what you're doing. It makes me feel great knowing that there are more intelligent people in this world, who actually give a fuck. But, no matter how much it makes me and your other readers feel good, you have to focus on yourself. Do you feel like going on, or would you rather do something else with your time? Does it make you feel any better? Cause if writing this stuff doesn't seem to have a point to you anymore, then by all means, stop. I love what you're doing, Jerky. I appreciate it a lot, just like I'm sure so many other readers of yours do. But I'm more interested in your own well being. I wanna know that you're feeling good, and not exhausted, with what you may do best. Just do what you feel, man. I'd want that. Much love, Vicky D [Thanks, Vicky. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky; The world's largest oil company, ExxonMobil, has announced its record-breaking profits for 2005 -- $36.13 billion. That is the largest profit ever recorded in the history of American capitalism. In response, the ExxposeExxon.com campaign has created a short, funny video in Exxon’s honor. Check it out. Please share the laughs by forwarding it on to all your friends and family. RASTY [Nice animation! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, This appeared on the front page yesterday. It is interesting for the fact that it is not just representative of the Utahrds, but religious people as a whole. Faith in your leaders or just blind faith? Either way, it is disturbing to think that most of these folks don't think for themselves. YOP, Bob [It's weird that all the Mormons I've met in person are such nice people. Then again, so are the Satanists. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, You'll get an entirely different opinion of the Uglitron if you think of it as a dating service. Aram [Shudder... - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Every time I see something offered for sale in a spam e-mail, I buy it. Now I have enough watches to open a pawn shop and a penis long enough to wear them on all at once. Trembly Dale [So YOU'RE the one who's keeping those assholes in business! - Jerky] *** **** *** You know, some time after the fact, I heard Dick "Head" Cheney say that there was a nationwide anti-airline hijacking exercise being held on the morning of 9/11 and that accounts for the slow response from the Air Force. What a puzzling statement! Figure the odds that 4, count them, 4 airliners would be, could be hijacked during anti-hijacking drills. Ok, so commercial air travel as we know it began roughly 50 ago. It seems to me it would take chaos several hundred years to spit out an occurence that random that hijackers would pick that exact moment to make such an attempt. So what's the alternative? A not-so-random occurrence? YOPGessier [I'm assuming it's the latter. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occured in the same week. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog." Advanced Materials [Good one! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJerky, in reference to the two articles posted in the latest Dirt, why the seemingly sudden interest in revisiting 9/11? Yes, I know there are still unanswered questions and yes, I'm very interested to hear what anyone has to say about it and most definitely, it's great to know that 9/11 has not been totally swept under the rug and completely forgotten. But unless someone figures out a way put this stuff on the mainstream airwaves, the majority of the public will continue to believe the official lie. Gerry S [You're absolutely right. And I hate to think about where that leaves us. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com